My motives behind this blog, as a said before, are because one of my favorite subjects to discuss are twins, mainly mine. So, I thought this would be a perfect forum to share my twin story with those who do not know it. The real truth behind the chaos that is now my family. What follows is a frank and honest account of how our family arrived to be who we are today.
After having our first child, CJ in May of 2000, my husband thought we might be done. I was on the fence on the subject. CJ was a very planned child. We decided on my 25th birthday to start trying to get pregnant, three days later we had done it. We decided that would be a good time because IF we were successful on the first try, then he would be born just after I was due to graduate college the following May. We did not think it would happen on the first try. I am a very regular female, menstrually speaking, and so I knew when my days (ovulation) to conceive were. That just happened to fall three days after our decision and "wa-la" it was done. The only thing we did not count on was the fact that I would be on bed rest and miss the last 6 weeks of my senior year, thus pushing my graduation from college to December of 2000, 7 months after CJ was born.
When CJ was about 10 months old, I convinced my husband that because there was so much medical intervention in CJ's birth, that I wanted to try for one more. I did not want this one to be as planned and I wanted to use a mid-wife instead of a doctor and deliver this one naturally without drugs or inductions in a birthing center. We thought that lightening could not strike twice in that we would not get pregnant within days of our decision again. I wanted to just not use protection, take it as it comes and if it were God's will to give us another child then it would happen. I planned to quit keeping up with my cycle and just let things happen naturally. But the next particular ovulation day, was one I could not forget. I was at work, doubled over in pain that day. It was one of the worst ever. Because of that, I now believe that dropping more than one egg is much more painful than dropping one for me. Anyway, I missed my period within 3 weeks of our decision to let things happen naturally and we were pregnant again.
I was getting bigger much quicker than before with this one. I had heard that happened with the second one though so I blew it off and proceeded to pull out my maternity clothes box at 8 weeks. Most women expecting singletons usually do this at 14 weeks, give or take a few. I went to an appointment with my mid-wife at 13 weeks for a check up. My mom and CJ tagged along. Because it was just a check-up, my husband went on to work. My mid-wife was concerned because she noticed I was bigger yet I had lost 10 pounds. She thought I might have a condition in which there is too much amniotic fluid. So, she ordered an internal sonogram just to check things out.
I got undressed, went into the dark, cold sonogram room and laid down. My mom and Caleb by my side, the sonographer came in and got to work. I was excited to see my baby for the first time. I was explaining to my mom, "see this, this is the baby's head." Then she said it, the words that still make me teary eyed to this day, "Yes, that's the head of baby A and this the head of baby B!"
NO, NO, no, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!!! NOT TWO MORE KIDS!!! I began to cry. So did my mom and the sonographer. It was the first time she had delivered the news to someone and she had done so unexpectedly. She thought I already knew I was having twins. "We have to call [your husband]," mom said. I could not speak at the time and motioned for her to do it. He did not believe her so I got on the phone to confirm it. As soon I could get off the phone and out of the room, I did. I went into the bathroom to get dressed. I instead collapsed on the floor, held my clothes to my face, and in fetal position I begin to scream and cry. It was one of those deep, primal, hiccuping type cries. The nurse knocked and asked if I was ok. I said I was and pulled myself together. My outburst would have to be put on hold until I got home.
Mom was hungry, so went to eat. She immediately got on the phone and began to share the "good" news with everyone in her cell phone directory. Down the list, reliving the event, over and over again. Finally home, I put CJ down for a nap and let go of my emotions on my bed. I thought as I cried, "this was not the plan we had for our lives." Three kids meant a bigger house, a bigger car and a bigger budget, none of which we were prepared for. We would have been happy with one, discussed two, but God obviously had other plans for us.
Not to mention, now that twins were on the way and because of my weight, my mid wife would not see me anymore and referred me to an OB. I thought that would be the end of my plan to have a natural birth. No bed or birthing center, just a cold operating room and too much medical intervention again.
Believe me, I know this sounds ridiculous and selfish to be upset at the new of twins, afterall, so many women would (and do) give years of their lives and thousands of dollars to be in my shoes. I know this. That was a huge part of the pain I was feeling. The guilt was overwhelming. Why was it that those, who would probably be better parents anyway, not be able to conceive and yet we just discuss trying again and end up with twins?!?! It seemed so unfair and even though I knew I had no control over this, I still felt so guilty it hurt me to my core.
Because I knew how ridiculous it was, I would become fairly good at hiding my pain over the course of the next few months. I kept busy, and that helped. Keeping busy was not a difficult task to accomplish with a one year old boy, either.
Continued in Part II
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